That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
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Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Every work meeting this week
When I can’t barge, I careen.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…