Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
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ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale