me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
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Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.