*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
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The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
How to woo a woman
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls