Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
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HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Bed should get ready for ME
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.