First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
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“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.