[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
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“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?