In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
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Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
2022 be like
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show