BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
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Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.