Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
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Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!