“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
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[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!