I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
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The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Well, shit
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.