I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
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Very problematic
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
584.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.