The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
You Might Also Like
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room