Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
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A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume