I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
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I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I love art.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My current situation
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
What?!?
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.