DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
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Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.