K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
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*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
My time has come.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white