These 3D printers are insane!
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I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.