My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
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[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Haha! 😂
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”