“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once