*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.