[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
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Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…