23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
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I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating