I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
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I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.