My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
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Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will