Wasn’t this a cartoon.
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Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.