Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
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Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.