Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
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I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.