5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
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We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.