Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*