“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
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Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Sooo many times…..
I saw this ending much differently.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.