Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
You Might Also Like
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Hello, my name is Pierre.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.