Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
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Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.