Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
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Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.