In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
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Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I unironically love this joke.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
This why you should mind your business
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.