Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
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Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
And bowling should be called pinball
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.