CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
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Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert