Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
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Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Easy enough.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Jail
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?