Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
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My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…