Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
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theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.