Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
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I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
B
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Don’t touch that.