7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
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Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.