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When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
all that yoga finally paid off
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Who knew!
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster