So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
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Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*