I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
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[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”