8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
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Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.