I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
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The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.