sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me: