I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
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me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
my nickname in college
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.